Over Protected

This is what I gathered from the three hours (!) of Bachelor Pad last night. That’s right, everybody. I’m just diving right in. No need for a fancy introduction like Our Host Chris Harrison gives us every week.

From what I can tell, this season is going to be full of crying, shouting, crying, yelling, skanky competitions where only a strategically placed bikini is required (IF it’s even required), the guarding and protecting of hearts, back-stabbing, betrayal and maybe some more crying. Yes. Absolutely there will be more crying. Hooray!

To be honest, I’m still trying to understand what I watched last night. And, I know I’m not alone here, more importantly, why was Ames so underused? Have the producers forgotten what a gem he is?  I must say, though, that I was a little disappointed in him when after just a few hours he was already making out and canoodling with Jackie. Manners, Ames! Manners! I guess it just goes to show what being a part of the Bachelor franchise does to a gentleman. I just hope he can still row a dragon boat. (Speaking of dragon boats, this should be a good time for all you Nashvillians).

At first introduction of the contestants we realize how much they see of each other. I mean that in a literal way and I think my fellow contributor JT does, too:

Ew.

But JT, you’re so right.

So, everybody has “dated” everybody except for the newbies Ames, William, Blake, Jackie, Alli and.. that’s all I care to remember. Neat! So that’s how you find love? That’s what I’ve been doing wrong for 29 years? Duly noted.

Let’s talk now about this “challenge” that these people had to participate in. I was watching the premiere with my sister and a friend and there was a collective “Eeeewwww” (not Ew) when we saw the giant beds, harnesses and heard Our Host Chris Harrison say “Hook Up”. I mean. Come on. Who comes up with these things?

“Sooo, what’s the first game gonna be?”

“Uuuugh. I dunno.”

“K.”

..crickets..

“Ummm, how about we strap the guys in a harness and make the girls straddle them and hang them over giant beds. And whoever stays Hooked Up (get it?!) the longest and is the last guy holding his girl gets to go on a date and have dinner behind a giant marquee sign above a noisy street. That’s super romantic.”

“K.”

Genius.

I think they were hoping for different results, especially from the guys, but It just came across as boring. Maybe because it was a three hour episode, but I digress. Also, the repetitive shots of the guys legs turning purple just got gross. I don’t need to see that!

But we also got to see a slightly crazy side of Jake. He went all method on us and pretended he was holding little Jackie over a cliff and if he let go she would plummet to her death. Huh.

Aaaanywaaaay..

Can we also touch on the subject of Ella’s hair? Again, there was a collective “HOW DOES HER HAIR ALWAYS LOOK LIKE THAT?!” whenever she was on screen. She has her own personal hair stylist, I just know it. But apparently during the first cocktail party the stylist went AWOL for a bit so Ella and her hair got lit.

You’re welcome.

But she’s doing this for her son so they can buy a house, so it’s ok and totally sweet and worth the sacrifice of a few minutes of crazy hair on national television.

At this point I know there will be plenty of Jake, Vienna and Kasey drama for the majority of the season, so I’m not going to really give them the time of day right now. But I encourage a drinking game for every time Kasey says “protect” this season. Just make sure you don’t have to drive anywhere after you watch an episode. Anyway, let’s just skip to the highlights:

– AMES. duh.

– Holly saying that Blake used really big words (read: dysfunctional) so that made him really attractive to her. Um, did you meet Ames?

– Vienna telling Kasey that she wants to marry him and have his babies after they had that weird confrontation with Jake. Was that weird for anyone else? I hope so.

Erica Rose. I just had to look up this gal’s name. Thankfully I didn’t watch her season and she sounds like she’s drunk whenever she speaks. I bet when she’s actually drunk she seems coherant could carry on a conversation with Ames about the meaning of life and what it’s like to attend every Ivy League school in the known universe. And maybe dragon boat racing, too. And don’t get me started on how she wears clothes that are not at all flattering on her. Or anyone, for that matter.

Poll Question: If you had to be stuck in a room for 24 hours listening to either Kasey or Gia talk non-stop, who would you choose? I know. My ears started bleeding just thinking about it. To me, Gia’s voice is actually slightly worse than Kasey’s. Is that even possible? I’m not sure anymore. But it’s bad. Like nails on a chalkboard, silverware scraping dinnerware, “I Will Survive” kind of bad. Honestly, I’d have to choose Kasey. At least you could find the humor in his voice, and maybe if you’re lucky he’d bust out his own rendition of “Rainbow Connection“. Silver lining, everybody. Listening to Gia talk for 24 hours straight would make me want to stick sharp objects in my ears.

Thankfully, though, this isn’t a choice I’ll be forced to make any time soon.

So in the end Alli and Justin “formerly ‘Rated R’ and now ‘The Wrestler'” got the boot and missed out once again on their chance at money and love. Because if you can’t find love in the Bachelor Pad, you can’t find it at all.

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Molly Gentry is from Nashville, TN and has had a love of pop culture (mainly boy bands and Britney Spears) since her middle school days.  A lover of anything Jimmy Fallon or Tina Fey related and a nap enthusiast, you can find her on Twitter and FacebookRead more posts from Molly.
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