Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paint-filled eggs kind of hurt, too.

Hiooooohh, what a week in the Bachelor Pad! I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s bittersweet because we got some of the most awkward moments and hilarious lines delivered to us. But we also had an unexpected departure from a beloved man and I’m still in a solemn state of shock. More on that later.

Let’s just get to it!

After what was deemed the most shocking exit in Bachelor Pad history (really?) and Kasey talking up his hatred of Jake, we’re thrown into the second challenge of the season: “Target on Your Back”. And this is right after Jake’s talking head about how he himself has a target on his back. Coincidence? Absolutely not! “Target on Your Back” is pretty much just that. The guys get a target painted on their backs and the girls are asked general questions about the guys. For whichever guy best suits the answer for the individual girl, she throws a paint-filled egg at his back. BUT, the egg has to hit the intended guy and break for it to count as a point for the girl who threw it. Then the guys get to hit the girls.

Side note: did anyone notice the way Stagliano was standing? He was like a five year old trying to see how far apart he could get his feet from one another before falling into the splits. Funny enough, this isn’t the only time I spotted him doing this trick during this episode. Interesting.

Anyway, the contestants get asked some mind-bending questions like, “Who are you least attracted to?” (OUCH), “Who least deserves to win the money?” and “Who do you want to go home this week?”. This is intense already. Kasey gets hit during the “least attracted to” question and he’s beside himself. How could someone find him unattractive? His girlfriend is “the hottest girl in the house“.

Obviously.

And Jake gets blasted by everyone during the “Who do you want to go home?” question.

Obviously.

Now it’s the guy’s turn, right? WRONG. Tie-breaker, everybody! Jackie, who apparently has a good arm and Melissa, who apparently is bringing heroine chic back in style, both have 3 points and we simply must have a true winner before we can go on with our lives. We must!

The tie-breaking question: Who is the dumbest?

The correct answer is technically “Everyone on this show except for Ames”. Ames should have taken off his blind fold, grabbed the basket of eggs and pummeled everyone at that house until he was blue in the face, cameramen included. But he didn’t because he’s a gentleman.. and he knew he wouldn’t get hit.

Jackie, bless her, way overthrows her intended target William. (Good answer!) So, naturally, Melissa nails her target Graham in the back and he was probably fully aware that that would happen. Melissa wins the rose and gets to take three unlucky men on a date.

Now the men have a chance to get some underhanded-throwing revenge on the ladies and all Erica can think about is how she hopes she doesn’t get paint in her hair. Correct me if I’m wrong, but hair extensions are easy to replace, right?

First question: “Which of these ladies is most likely to cheat on you if you’re dating?” Up first? Jake. Well played, producers. Well, played. Naturally, he pegs Vienna.

Next question: “Who would you like to see go home this week?” Erica gets the majority vote and I have to agree with the guys on this one. I think she’s supposed to be comic relief, but she’s just a big ole mess. Also, the way she speaks reminds me of Juliette Lewis. She has that whole drunken, stoned, pensive tone going on. Does that even make sense?

The last question was again “Who are you least attracted to?” And once again Erica gets the majority vote. If anyone else got a vote for this question, they sure didn’t show it on TV. Poor girl. It’s one thing to not be wanted around the house, but it’s an entirely other issue to not have a guy who wants to make out with you in the herpes hot tub. The shame.

It comes down to Stagliano and Pavelka (maybe two of the most fun last names to say) to decide who wins on the guys side. They both have two points and if one of them misses, GAME OVER. Stag pegs Erica on the head, she says, “Ooowww” and he obviously feels bad for how he did it. He. Nailed. Her.

So, all the girls (and Stag for delivering the massive hit on Erica) feel bad and try to console Erica, but inside they’re happy that all the boys think they’re pretty. And who wouldn’t be?!

Now, who’s ready for “THE SCARIEST DATE IN BACHELOR HISTORY”? Hey, it’s only scary if a helicopter isn’t involved.

Stagliano gets the first date card and gets to take three gals on a date with him. Where do they go, you ask? Well, duh. To the Linda Vista Community Hospital, of course. Where else would they go?

Side note: I really like this exterior sign, and I can say that because I work in the signage industry. But look at that classy blue ceramic tile, please. It’s retro and I dig it.

Hogliano (yeah, I did that) freak out when A) they realize where they’re going or B) they recalled something they read in a book. It’s a toss-up. So, the foursome walk Wizard of Oz style into the hospital to look around and stuff. Honestly, I was so bored during this “date” that I’m not really sure anything happened. I know they got freaked out by a mouse, Erica and the Stag held hands and tried to talk to a ghost and Michelle Money played instigator (because she was told to?) to Hogliano to try to get them to talk about their feelings and stuff. There’s a lot of crying on the rooftop and nothing seems to get settled other than Holly playing the BFF card.

Aaaaaaaand scene.

Now we get Melissa’s date. Who’s excited? I’m not! The three guys she chooses are Kirk, Kasey and Blake. Obviously girlfriend has a type because if these guys’ backs were turned to me, I wouldn’t be able to tell who’s who. They’re all the same. Spiky, dirty blonde hair: Check. Douchebagishness: Check. What a fun date! They get to go on a yacht and Melissa gets to watch the three guys jump from the side of the boat while holding their clothes. Now that’s a good time.

Back at Casa de Bachelor Pad, Vienna is spewing nonsensical insults about Jake willy nilly. I’d be terrified of an ex-boyfriend too if he didn’t eat my cooking. Talk about insulting! I mean, it’s only been a year since their break-up and she’s already this emotionally stable? What therapist is she seeing and can I get the number? Clearly, if I were the type of person who picked sides (I am) I would absolutely pick hers (I wouldn’t).

Jake comes to Vienna “hat in hand” to ask her for help so he can stay on TV juuuuuust a little while longer. But, no. Vienna is not having it. She needs her Kasey to guard and protect her heart and stir up more drama. Strategery, guys! She’s in it to win it.

Now back to Melissa’s date.. yes, it’s still happening.. Blake macks his way to immunity and an awkward make-out session. Score!

Next at the cocktail party Jake finally gets his one-on-one…on-one time with Vienna and Kasey. She dramatically accepts and Jake asks V&K for their help. He wants to win the money to donate every cent to charity! But Vienna brought up something about some debt with a limo company I’d like to hear more about. Sadly, that’s all we get. Jake says he wanted to try to patch things up with V while not on national television, but he didn’t know how to get in touch with her. “You know my email. It’s my name.” I just have to leave that alone.

Here’s Our Host Chris Harrison! He’s here to ask how the vibe is in the house (awkward, duh) and he’s also not picking up any of what Vienna is putting down. “Forced” to be here Vienna says? Oh, no dummy. No you didn’t just say “forced”. Nothing will piss OHCH off more than that word. He will make you feel like you just got caught trying to cheat on a pop quiz by your freshman year economics teacher. He will point to the exits, put you in your place and say “See you at the finale, bitch!”

So “Everything is going to change” huh? So says, Our Host Chris Harrison. So say we all. We’re still voting off two people tonight, but (SURPRISE!) the producers just don’t want Jake to go home! Two GIRLS are getting voted off and the guys are safe. gah. Enough.

Kasey tries to have a talk with Gia and my nightmare is happening right this moment. These two voices are intermingling and my ears are bleeding. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry or throw the TV out the window. I’ll just keep watching.

So, Gia loses it for some reason (blame it on the booze, sweetie) and decided to go home. She changes into her “comfortable” (read: painted-on) jeans and tells OHCH she’s peacin out. See ya! Don’t get your stripper heel get caught in the van’s sliding door on the way out.

Now we only have one lady to eliminate and it’s between Jackie and Ella. But first, let’s revisit the challenge at the beginning of the episode shall we? Remember when the guys were asked which girl they’d like to see go home this week and the overwhelming majority vote went to Erica? What happened to that? Just curious. I have zero explanation.

Ella is at first the favorite to be ousted, but some fellas feel it would be smarter to have her and her new partner in crime Kirk around rather than Jackie and Ames. Oh. No. This doesn’t look good. They say that if they lose Ames because he wants to go, that’s better than losing Blake because he’s pissed? When is it ever good to lose Ames?! And how could they say that on a night when he’s wearing rose-colored slacks? This is just a taste of what we could expect from his wardrobe the rest of the season. God bless the J.Crew model that lives inside him.

Ultimately it is Jackie that gets the boot because Ella needs the money for her son. Having a normal 8 to 5 job just won’t cut it anymore. Ames, being the scholarly gentleman that he is, walks his new “love” to her limo and sees her off. He walks back to the guys and at first I think he’s pissed. His teammates just voted off the Juliet to his Romeo so now he’s expected to settle for Mercutio? No thanks. It’s not worth $250,000. In what is possibly one of the worst displays of acting on this show yet, Ames pauses, throws up his hands in confusion (I think?) looks back and forth between the rest of the contestants and the producers to get his cue, then runs to the limo that’s already stopped and waiting for him to come back. The second to worst display of acting goes to Jackie for feigning surprise when Ames gets into the limo with her.

I honestly didn’t see that coming at all. I miss Ames already and I’m not sure if there’s anyone I’ll ever look forward to seeing again as much as I did Ames. Can someone at least wear some pink pants next week? I’ll settle for mint green. That’s all I ask.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Molly Gentry is from Nashville, TN and has had a love of pop culture (mainly boy bands and Britney Spears) since her middle school days.  A lover of anything Jimmy Fallon or Tina Fey related and a nap enthusiast, you can find her on Twitter and FacebookRead more posts from Molly.
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2 thoughts on “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but paint-filled eggs kind of hurt, too.

  1. Well done, my friend. Well done.

    And I DID notice Stag (as OHCH calls him) doing that with his legs! I don’t think I get it?

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