And we’re back! Let’s just get this over with. I’m chalking last week’s lack of a Bachelor Pad recap to the continuing shock of the absence of Ames from my Monday nights. I’m still sad he’s gone, but did I find him on twitter? Absolutely I did. (BTDubs, I love that the link on his twitter page is a link to a youtube video of his first date with Ashley. Let’s watch it and fall in love with him all over again, shall we?)
Previously on Bachelor Pad:
Vienna crushes something on the kitchen counter with a knife handle and the blade is straight up in the air eerily close to her neck. She’s obviously crazy, everybody! Look at her go! What’s the word for a person who has a severe, irrational phobia of neck trauma? Because I’m that person and this clip of Vienna that they keep showing freaks me out.
Also, Kasey wants to punch Jake in the face “for America, and for my girlfriend.” Kasey, on behalf of America I say, “Thank you?”
I have to admit that the end of last week’s episode had me wishing for a little more. The screen went blank so quickly after Our Host Chris Harrison said Kasey’s name that I thought something had happened to my TV. Oh, but wait! We did get more, but only in the form of the masked dummy from Ashley’s season swimming in the Bachelor Pad pool. Has this guy’s fifteen minutes run up yet or what?
Back to last week’s most shocking ever on the face of the planet rose ceremony and Jake is a dead man walking. Vienna gives Holly an unreciprocated hug and Holly looks confused as to why Vienna is touching her. I wouldn’t want that either, Holly.
Let’s hear a few words from Jake, shall we?
I have a few things. Guys, although we had a chance to do something really big tonight; something special, it just didn’t happen, and I think you’re sending the wrong guy home. I want to encourage everybody, if you want a shot to win you’re gonna have to step up and do the right thing and start taking out the power couples and you know which ones you need to start with. Kasey, amazing meeting you. Vienna, (awkward bow) my apologies. My heart, forgiven (huh?!). See you guys.
Well, Jake’s not much of a public speaker and we can all agree on that, right? Right.
Back in Bachelor Pad and Michelle Money does a celebratory dance that can rival the Bluth family’s impression of a chicken. Then, we all learn that instead of sleeping at night, Kasey has been staring at Jake. “I want my boyfriend to sleep at night and not stare at my ex-fiance.” Vienna, if that’s not a red flag, I don’t know what is. Then we get some foreshadowing from Vienna saying that “tomorrow is going to be a good day.” Yay!
Hey, everybody! It’s Our Host Chris Harrison wearing a brightly-colored button down shirt that I do not agree with. OHCH explains that the second annual Bachelor Pad Kissing Contest is about to be underway so he hopes everyone has a good grasp on how often to brush their pearly whites because it’s go-time. Psycho Melissa looks way too excited and Stagliano looks PISSED.
Vienna, red flag #2: Kasey’s reaction. “Oh great. My girlfriend’s not gonna be cool with that.” Also? “I couldn’t kiss any of those girls. I just don’t find any of them attractive. Plus, if I’m making out with those girls, Vienna’s going to kill me.” A) Kasey, you don’t find any of the other girls in the house attractive? At all? Who wrote this script you’re reading. And B) you shouldn’t want to make out with those girls because you’re with Vienna.
We discover Michelle Money wants to be a good example to her daughter and not participate in the kissing competition while Ella says it’s not an option for her to pull herself out of the competition. The sacrifices she makes for her son are incredible. I hope he realizes that someday.
Let’s get to the kissing competition, shall we? Actually, I’d rather not. It’s appears that co-contributor JT feels the same way:
Holly is up first and out of respect for Stagliano all the guys are “kissing like grandmas.” Interesting choice of words, Holly. Anyway, Blake is in it to win it because he “took it up a few more notches” with Holly and won her vote for the best.
We flew through the rest of the girls with a stop off at psychopath Melissa who reads way too much into Blake’s kiss and thinks he still has feelings for her blah blah blaaaaahhh.
On to the guys and Kasey has bad breath. I mean, are we surprised? Just look at his thin-lipped, pointy face. No thanks. Next, the Stag knows exactly when Holly kisses him as he should! They dated for two years! Why wouldn’t he be able to tell? Holly has a good time with him and all, but when it’s her turn to kiss Blake, they go at it and at it and at it. And I get uncomfortable because as JT pointed out to me it seems ABC turned up the mics on this competition and it just amplifies the sound of herpes being spread. I don’t wanna see that!
The results in overwhelming majorities:
for the ladies: Ella
for the gentlemen: Blake
Way to go, guys. Be proud of yourselves! (Clearly, Ella is very proud of herself and knows her son would be, too). Ella chooses Kirk who is quickly becoming my favorite if only based on his choice of a blindingly bright pink tie. Nice work, Kirk
Next, psychopath Melissa assumes she’s going on the date with Blake and she already has that de-thorned rose in her boney little fingers. Blake gives her the bad news that I’m not sure she understands fully because it looks like her head is going to explode, and I hope it does. Girlfriend needs some therapy.
Next we get to see Ella and Kirk’s awesome date of red wine and pizza out of the box by a fireplace. (Seriously, that’s an awesome date to me. Really, anything involving pizza is an ok time.) Then we get to hear these people’s horrible sob stories yet again and their plans for spending the $250,000 should they win. Neat!
Finally, Blake’s date card arrives and he feels the need to explain his decision. He says he’s tried to think outside the box and “mix things up a bit” so he invites Holly and Crazy Melissa freaks the ef out! But not before I finally get to see the Alabama/Auburn Old Navy commercial!
Blake, you’ve made 800 promises to Melissa and you pinky swore! How dare you? I think Michelle Money says it best in this wonderful sound bite:
“Some people wear their emotions on their sleeves, but Melissa wears her emotions on every article of clothing she’s wearing every single day (pause) including her hair dye (pause) and her panties. All of it.”
Michelle Money FTW, everybody!
Now, what the what is Melissa freaking out about? You want to call everyone together to call him out on.. something? Oh, and no one will band together with you to do it? I think that’s a hint, sweetie. Also, please walk around the Bachelor Pad mansion wearing those hideous pink house shoes some more while on a manhunt for Blake. That definitely makes you look more sane.
Side note: I will absolutely be going to see Dolphin Tale in theaters. I’m not ashamed to admit that. Harry Connick, Jr., Morgan Freeman, a kid and a DOLPHIN? Sign me up.
Surprise! Holly and Blake get to take a private jet on their date. Never before in the Bachelor/ette/Pad franchise have we seen this. Never ever.
So, they get to go skiing and Holly gets to wear some ski pants and a jacket that makes her look like an Easter egg and I want it all. Blake also says that his first impression of her was her legs. “Long, hundred millimeter legs.” Check your millimeter to inches conversion chart, buddy.
Now we get to hear how much Holly and Blake like each other and we get to see them roll, roll, roll in ze snow. Such good times and we’re only halfway done.
Next we get a DTR talk about Holly and Michael and it’s all stuff we’ve heard before and I’m bored. We see that Michael misses Holly and still loves her, but Blake gives Holly the rose and she’s soooo happy. Michael cries, my friend Sarah texts me saying Stag has a preppy boy’s combover (which he totes does) and Blake and Holly decide to be all crazy and stay the night in their little cabin in the woods. Cue making out, sad Michael by the fireplace, lights out and a giggle from Holly. They couldn’t have scripted it any better.
Blake and Holly finally get back and Holly and Michael have a conversation. He tells her he loves her, she tells him she and Blake kissed. They cry, I’m still bored and while taking off my gold nail polish I notice there’s a definite hint of green in it. Interesting! I know it sounds tacky, but it’s not.
Oh good. There’s a Dancing with the “Stars” cast reveal! Brook Burke announces her new married name expecting some kind of reaction and no one seems to care. This show is ridiculous. We see that Chynna Phillips is still riding the Bridesmaids wave and continuing her “comeback”.
Our Host Chris Harrison is back looking dapper as ever telling us the rules of voting. Ella tells us the guys are voting for a girl, the girls are voting for a guy. One guy, one girl are going home. She says this as if this is brand new information to her. Ella, aside from the last two weeks this is the standard format of Bachelor Pad. You know this.
More Michael and Holly. I’m over it. They need to go home, but if I were Blake, I’d be pissed at Holly for making out with Michael right now.
MELISSA’S FREAKING OUT, EVERYBODY! Her head is so close to exploding at the thought of everyone voting her out and I’m loving every second of it. She’s so crazy and insane she can’t form a complete coherent sentence. This gal. I don’t know if I should be afraid for her or pity her.
Another DWTS break and David Arquette is adorable. Also, I want to know if Kristin Cavaleri is really back together with Jay Cutler. Will he ever be in the audience?? Not if he knows what’s best for him.
Rose Ceremony time! I bet it will be the most memorable and emotional and SHOCKING rose ceremony in the history of the world. If Kasey escapes another ceremony, I’ll be a little angry. But will I stop watching? Absolutely not.
At this point I’m really starting to love Michelle Money. A) I can’t not say her complete name. Michelle Money just rolls off the tongue. B) the girl’s got style. She and Ella are neck-and-neck in the battle for best Bachelor Pad hair, and she has some great clothes. I need to know where she shops.
So, Little William gets the boot over Kasey. Boooooooooo!! WHY ARE THEY KEEPING KASEY AND VIENNA IN THIS GAME?! It doesn’t make sense to me. Melissa also goes home rose-less and makes the world’s ugliest crying face in the limo ride of sadness. Sorry. I know she’s hurt and all, but she should know what she looks like when she cries and prevent the world from having to see it. Ever.
That was exhausting.
Did the right people go home? Who should Holly be with: Michael or Blake? Do you even care? Let’s kick some rocks and discuss!