If You Don’t Know Me by Now

You guys, Labor Day just keeps getting better. First, I get to sleep in on a weekday, then I open my door to 70 degree weather, then I get a new episode of Bachelor Pad to boot? Yes, please. Tell me what I did right so I can do it again.

TONIGHT ON BACHELOR PAD:

-Our Host Chris Harrison wears a blazer with jeans and becomes a cheesy game show host.. oh, wait..

-More Holly, Blake and Stagliano love triangle drama!

-Erica puts the moves on another semi-unwilling fellow contestant.

-and Kasey thinks all of Vienna’s former suitors miss her teeth the most.

It’s gonna be a good night!

We’re immediately reminded of how horrible and sad of a situation these poor people are in each week in having to vote off their “friends” in order to win $250,000. Except for Blake. Melissa is gone and he’s relieved and now he can focus on being with Holly.. and her ex-fiance. Everyone is bummed and tired (indeed. Drinking wine and laying by the pool all day is exhausting) and doesn’t want to talk about anything anymore so Erica offers up some advice:

“I think everyone just needs to, like, have a good night’s sleep so that we can all, like, do our best in the competition because that’s why we’re here.”

Well said, Erica.

Here’s Our Host Chris Harrison! Noticing the “long faces”, he warns everyone that the votes just aren’t going to get easier. A casual viewer might think that from his tone and said long faces he’s talking about voting in the next Presidential election. Lord knows I don’t want a vote in that. But, no. He’s talking about which one of these goons will be voted off next and get their hopes and dreams of love and money (not necessarily in that order) dashed – FOREVER.

OHCH tells the playas they need to find a partner that they will be stuck with for the rest of their time in the Pad. They’ll be competing as a couple, winning as a couple and voted off as a couple. BT-Dubs, “you might want to get to know them.” Thanks, Chris! Foreshadowing at it’s finest.

Poor Erica is looking around like the last kid picked for the kickball team in middle school and is ultimately stuck with Blake because Holly made the Unbreakable Vow with the Stag that they’d be partners 4EVR. Blake is totes bummed.

We get a nice little montage of people asking their partners questions, and guess what! No one knows anything about anyone! Shocking, right?

It’s Game Day, everyone! Amidst some awesomely bad theme music, OHCH explains the rules of the Nearly Wed Game. It’s just what we would expect: answer some questions, get some points, those with the most points win a “very romantic” one-on-one date and some roses.

Side note: Check out this shot of the contestants while OHCH is explaining the rules. Is it me, or does everyone but Erica look absolutely miserable? (And what is Michelle wearing?!) I had to pause the dvr for a second and was so pleased with what I ended on I had to take a photo.

Anyway!

The guys have to guess first what the girls answered when asked “How many dates do you have to go on before making whoopee?”

Kirk & Ella (5), Blake & Erica (3) and Graham & Michelle (7) all get their’s right. Vienna & Kasey (22) and Holly & Michael (14) were wrong. Vienna is pissed.

Next up, If the guys were an animal, what would they be?

Amazingly, Blake and Erica covered this topic in their get-to-know-you cram session and Erica knew that Blake would want to be a flying squirrel. (?) Holly also knew that the Stag wanted to be a Polar Bear. Ella and Vienna didn’t know would their partners would want to be and I’m assuming the same for Michelle since it was edited out.

Now we get to see how poorly Vienna and Kasey know each other because, you guys, they don’t know anything and you don’t know how happy that makes me. Vienna is getting even more pissed because these other couples clearly aren’t on the same level as Kasey and Vienna. Clearly.

Also, everyone hates Blake. And I mean everyone. Especially Stagliano for Holly confessing she would want to sleep with him. Awkward!

The best part of this competition? Graham and Michelle’s sweet stretegery. For every question with a numerical answer, they would say seven. For every non-gender specific question, they would answer Michael. If if was about a girl they would answer Holly. And for the animal/miscellaneous questions they either knew it or didn’t. I did notice there were a lot of sevens being thrown out there and I have to say that was pretty “jenius”, right Kasey?

Right.

Ultimately, Graham and Michelle won and they get roses and a super romantic date (involving a helicopter!). Blake and Erica get second place also getting a date, but no roses. To Blake, this all but solidifies his upcoming exit. But don’t worry, he’s going to make a bee-line to the kitchen and slam back some jack and cokes, the Bachelor Pad cure-all!

The date card arrives and Graham and Michelle get to take a helicopter ride and go see What’s Your Number? This is actually a date I wouldn’t mind to be on.

Back at the Pad and all hell seems to be breaking loose over a ring and cuddling and an ultimatum? Did I get that right? Because I’m still not sure what Kasey and Vienna are arguing about in every episode.

I think this is what just went down:

Kasey ripped a ring off Vienna’s finger while she was washing her hands. Vienna didn’t like that.

Kasey wants to sleep with Vienna but she doesn’t want to in the house.

Kasey has his bags packed and wants to leave unless Vienna comes downstairs to cuddle with him. Vienna considers this an ultimatum but Kasey denies that. He just wants to cuddle downstairs. Giving in, Vienna throws her blankets off of her and heads downstairs. Kasey: “If you’re gonna act like that, then I don’t want you to cuddle with me.”

Really?! Kasey, don’t be that guy.

Meanwhile, back on Graham and Michelle’s date to promote What’s Your Number?, Michelle found deep meaning in an Anna Faris movie and realized Graham is like, totally everything she’s ever been looking for. That’s nice.

Next, we see the wheels slowly turning in Erica’s bleach-blonde head and methinks she’s going to cause more drama than she realizes. Her plan: get rid of Michael and distract Blake from Holly by seducing him on their date. Whoa, there slugger! This should be good.

On their date, they go to the Mission Inn and walk through the underground catacombs by candle light. Erica explains how she talks to her dead friends spirits and I think this ultimately freaks Blake out. But if that didn’t do it, surely it was her constant rubbing on his thigh while they parked it in the catacombs and had a glass of champagne and talked strategy.

BOOM. Two mysterious roses end up on the tiny dinner table with a note from OHCH saying they can save one couple from elimination, but not themselves. Blake sees this as an opportunity to get in good with a certain couple and save himself.. and Erica too. Because she’s stuck with him. Let’s see how that works out for him.

Back and the Pad and Stagliano tells Holly that he’s sorry and he loves her and blah blah blah. I’m still bored by them.

And we’re back at the Mission Inn and Erica is doing her absolute darndest to keep Blake away from the Pad and Holly. He wants to go back because he thinks he’ll look bad if he stays away. Erica wants to stay because she thinks it’ll look like he’s investing more time in her and their partnership. Pulling out the big guns, Erica tells Blake of her hot pink and rhinestone lingerie that she brought and he turns all shades of awkward-color red. This is amazing.

After commercial, we have a very serious conversation between Holly and Ella.

Pop Quiz! What do you think they’re talking about?

A) The United States trillion dollar debt crisis.

B) The J.Lo / Marc Anthony split

C) the upcoming 10 year anniversary of 9/11, oooooooorrr

D) the love triangle of Holly, Blake and Michael

You got this.

Meanwhile, Erica is still being very persistent in getting Blake to stay overnight and Blake just isn’t having it. I have to agree with the guy here. She’s being gross. Saying Blake has hooked up with a crazy girl, and now is going after a girl with a “boyfriend”. What does that make her? Oh, yeah. The desperate one. Ultimately, they go home and Holly is thrilled.

The next morning is full of strategy for Black and Erica about who to give their roses to. They tell Kirk and Ella about them which should all but guarantee them the roses. But no. Kasey and Vienna saunter their way into the conversation and Erica decides to be all shady and tell them about the roses outside in the giant pit of pillows (which I absolutely want when I have a house of my own one day). Kasey guarantees their safety if Blake and Erica give them the roses. Nooooooooo! I see him persuading Blake already. It doesn’t take much and Black and Erica gather the troops to announce their decision. and of course the roses are “bequeathed” to Kasey and Vienna. WHY?! How much are the producers paying them to keep Kasey and Vienna in the game?

Time out. I think Vienna is mentally challenged and I do not mean that in a mean way. Not at all. Her talking heads are insanely uncomfortable and sad. She just did some weird thing with her rose and I can’t even explain it. Either she’s mentally challenged or always drunk. Right now I think it’s a toss-up.

Anyway, after Blake and Erica’s announcement, Ella has a fit and cries in the bathroom. Y’all. She needs this money. There’s absolutely no other way she can get it. That’s sad. Her son will have to stay in their roomy apartment a little while longer until she can find another game show to win enough house money on. If we’ve learned anything from Vienna, it’s to save your sad sob story until then end then tell people about it to win votes. And most importantly be sincere.

So Kasey is supposed to sway votes and get everyone to send Ella and Kirk home, but Graham and Michelle have made up their minds to send Blake and Erica home. Whoops. That’s what you get for trusting Kasey, dude. And of course it comes down to Holly as the deciding vote between Ella & Kirk or Blake & Erica.

You guys. This is intense. It’s like scripted television or something.

Holly & Michael of course get the first roses with Ella & Kirk getting the other two. She’s one step closer to winning this for her son! So, that means Holly had to vote off Blake, but before she did she wrote him a note saying how she already missed him and it’s not over for them. Wasn’t that thoughtful?

So, did the right people go home? Can you believe the exciting finale you won’t want to miss is next week? Pack up your sexiest lingerie and share your thoughts!

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Molly Gentry is from Nashville, TN and has had a love of pop culture (mainly boy bands and Britney Spears) since her middle school days.  A lover of anything Jimmy Fallon or Tina Fey related and a nap enthusiast, you can find her on Twitter and Facebook. Read more posts from Molly.

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